when you just realize you’re living. you’re almost 21 now and you’re life is going by and it’s happening whether you like it or not and you can’t stop it. and you think about how the fuck you got here, to this very moment in time, this very situation you are in right now, how you got to the chair you’re sitting in right now, and it’s insane. you think of all the time you wasted, all the time you’ve lost, all the time you still have to make shit right, and all the time you’re going to waste thinking about how to do so, instead of just doing it. how did i get here? being the person i am, with the feelings i have, and the beliefs i carry, and the pain i live with, and the love i can’t figure out.
i’ve done so much. i lived through hell inside my household as a child. hell inside my own mind as a teenager. and hell all around me in high school and now. i’ve been broken by others, and now i’ve broken others around me. i’ve made decisions i’m not proud of and can’t take back. i’ve cheated, i’ve lied, i’ve done drugs and been sent to the ER and gotten my car impounded and my life stolen temporarily. i’ve gone out all night by myself in a city i didn’t know because of childish situations i let control me. i’ve said stupid things so many times, and so many times i refused to say anything when all i should have done was given answers. i’ve let past experiences change me, and i haven’t let them go. when i really needed to. i’ve thrown away things that once meant the world to me, and gone digging back for some, as if i deserved a second chance after what i did. but i think the biggest reoccurring theme throughout all of the things i’ve done or been through, is that i always put others before myself. i pick one person, and put them on top, above my family, my friends, my loved ones, and myself. and i do everything for them and anything for them, whatever they say or need, i’m by their side at their becking call. and i’ve hurt so many people in that way alone. choosing someone over them and doing anything that person asked, even if it hurt everyone else, including myself.
i’ve never been more worried about my future or my life, i’m shit broke, i have no money, no ID, no gas in my car, a shit job i hate, with bad hours, hardly any friends, no family nearby, and i’m 3 years into school with only 58 units accounted for. but if there is one thing i could say, is that i need to not be scared anymore. shit has happened to me and it changed me as a person and it makes me react the way i do now to situations i come across. but all i ever do is give up. and that needs to stop.. everything that has happened from yesterday onward is in the past now, and for the last time it will stay in the past. no more rehashing, no more going back. i’ve got one last shot and all the love and support i could have only dreamed of and hoped for, and i can’t keep messing it up and compromising it because i’m unsure, or nervous or scared or think i need to weigh out more options. i’m scared of commitment, i’ve figured out my biggest secret: this hopeless romantic that wants her soulmate is afraid to commit. and now i think it’s time i try. you can’t be happy if you keep looking elsewhere and right now i’ve got everything i need to move forward, so im stopping this head turning, and just looking forward. i have shit to do and things to take care of, and it’s time i started. i’ve wasted so much time being lost and confused and blaming it on everything else but my own self.
i’m gonna be okay. life is going to happen with or without me pay attention to it, i might as well be a part of it instead of sitting on the side feeling out of control because i’m not bothering to take control of it. i’m tired of being a hypocrite and tired of being alone and tired of being worried and sad. i’ve got all the tools i need right in front of me, no more trade in’s no more throwing things out. i just need to get going. i have a future out there, somewhere.
the trouble we’ve gotten ourselves into will never leave my mind.
i think it’s time for us to move on.
(i love you has eight letters in it; so does bullshit)
what would you think of me now?
so lucky, so strong, so proud.
I never said thank you for that.
no I never had a chance.
on the bus next to me, he’s chugging rockstar and playing a harmonica softly to himself and now he’s twitching and being odd..
I fucking hate public transportation.
oh and now he’s laughing and talking to himself. fuck. and now he just crumpled his empty rockstar can and then apologized to it. yup.
i am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN COLORADO. who and what and why! ohmygod my heart goes out to you guys… Jesus fucking Christ.
money for uhaul - check. apply for student loans - check. look for apartments - check. bay area here I come. :)